Feeling Lost ?

feeling lost
feeling lost

The last few nights when I wake up in the middle of night for some reason I start to have some deep thoughts about stuff, I don't know if this is a good thing or not.

But last night it was about life and feeling lost, I was working at my local walmart prior to this covid shit then had to take time off since my mom was freaking out about it and was convinced that I was going to bring it home.  So I've bought myself a whole bunch of stuff that I wouldn't have bought myself if I was working because I feel right now I have to entertain myself in some way.

While doing so some nights I wake up and have some deep thoughts, like the fact that I'm almost 40 (will be 40 early in October) and I'm still living at home. But in reality of it all I can't afford to move out.

Not only that but it seems weekly I get told I'm not good enough to do stuff or I get compared to my brother or sister. My sister went through all the schooling she needs and became a photographer so she's self employed, my brother knows a little about everything and a whole lot about nothing but he's always been one of the manual labour type of guys who work in factories or help people out renovating places.

As for myself, I honestly never know what I wanted to do with my life, back when I was younger I was really heavy into sports so I wanted to be a sports caster but as I grew up and started to listen to myself and heard my speech impediment more and more and seen the way people look at me that kind of drowned out my own thoughts of wanting to be a sports caster so I went from that to honestly I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I sadly see me having the life of living with my Mom (Dad died December 20, 2005) for as long as I can then I don't know where I would live because I honestly don't know if I can afford to move out, I know that was/is the idea for 2021 is see if I can move out so I can go back to work because my Mom thinks I should and she seems to be determined to find me a place since in her mind "I need to go back to work, that's what people my age do" but she's also the same mother who yells at the tv "why aren't you wearing your mask ?" the same concept as a sports fan watching sports yelling at the tv for a missed play or a bad call from the ref.

It's very hard to read my mother when it comes to the covid thing, she seems concerned but at the same time she turns around and ignore the rules just like so many others.. I just sit in the basement and do my own thing and not think about this covid thing as it doesn't bother me and I keep getting told that I'm wrong to think this as I should be panicking about it like everyone else around me. I've recently told them "I would brace yourself if I were you, this shit isn't going to go away overnight and the way the media is pumping you full of the bullshit about it, it's going to be 3-5 years before it's gone and it's just going to get worse and worse since lets face it when does the media ever push good news ?.. Honestly the Canadian media is getting to be just as bad is the media in the USA because of how they pump you full of stuff.

But I've been feeling lost in life and I've read a few books about what I should do with my life and most basically say "follow your heart and the money will follow" that answer is WRONG. I wanted to be a writer but as any independent writer will honestly tell you, there's no money in it. You'll still have to find a job as writing isn't a job it's a hobby which is just one reason why I release short releases since why drop a hundred page release when in all honestly most people who write give up after 1-2 books anyways.

For a while I wanted to create music (like instrumentals) for people to use in tv shows and movies.. but for the most part they are all created by the same person constantly or they pay to use songs by certain bands in order to have that in the movie/tv show since they feel that sort of thing will fit. So after releasing various albums I basically walked away from that too even though my stuff is still online (check discography in menu) but even a few people I've talked to that made music for years have told me that there's no money in music anymore since everyone under the sun wants to be a musician of some sort if they don't want to be a musician they want to be a writer and I'm sure this covid shit has brought out the inner writer of many people because they are just sitting around the house anyway with nothing to do so why not just write since they always wanted to.

The other problem I have is my mind keeps changing for what I'm interested in, as of late I'm not really interested in anything, if I was I may still be writing as frequently as I once was, but instead I did what I always said I would do and I walked away from the world of distribution, I moved everything to my own payhip store (check store in menu) and honestly haven't thought anything more about it. At first I thought I was going to miss everything but I don't. I know I have various sources I can go back to if I wanted to but I don't really have that interest.

I think I will always be the one who roams around who gets random thoughts of things I want to do to make money, but I don't know if I would try to capitalize on them all because that shit can get expensive, I know I've had a few things I would like to make money on or hobbies I want to get into but I haven't. It's just a boredom thing and right now I feel bored and uninterested in starting anything new since for the most part as of late I've just been sitting and watching tv more than anything because I don't know what else to do.

Speaking of which, it's time to go sit and watch tv


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