Feeling Lost ?, Feeling Depressed ?

I'm sure I'm not the only one, who have felt lost and depressed and started to google things on the net to see if other people have felt the same as I do.

To at least know that the fucked up shit your feeling or going through your not alone, at times that's what drives me to write.  At least that was a big reason why I wrote anything that came to mind for the longest time for people to know that no matter what they were feeling that there's a chance that they weren't alone in those thoughts or emotions.

As I said I'm sure I'm not alone in doing what I just mentioned in googling stuff to make sure I'm not alone and that the thoughts were some what normal and I'm not the only asshole on this planet who is going through that sort of shit. I'm also sure that I'm not the only asshole who have picked up a book or two about depression and coping with depression and tried to make sense of the voices in my head and the thoughts swirling around and once again to make sure that you weren't alone.

But you want to know something, all the books say the exact same shit, they all tell you that you have to rely on yourself to find happiness or you have to go to a doctor and get put on some sort of prescription in order to help with it but in this day an age anyone who has any sort of prescription no doubt has googled that drug and usually finds 50/50 good/bad for shit that can go wrong especially with the depression medications.

So if you go back to reading those books you end up getting told that it's up to you to find your own happiness since nobody can tell you what makes you happy, only you can tell you what makes you happy. But if you can't find happiness then people think your pathetic since everyone thinks that happiness is a easy thing to find, some people drink to find happiness some people to drugs to find happiness but is that really happiness ? I mean after all these books basically tell you to find your own happiness so people do shit not to be happy but more or less to numb the pain they are feeling since so many people like myself struggle to find happiness and struggle to find anything.

Honestly I don't think I will ever find love anymore, I don't think anyone in this world would actually love me for me once they get to know me they will no doubt treat me like all those people did in high school and would ultimately leave me out in the cold.

So I've gotten to the point of just shutting down around people, I barely show emotions and at times I can be watching anything and I do mean anything it could be a horror movie or a comedy or anything in between and I would have tears roll down my face, just a few then it'll stop so as per usual I googled it and from what I read it's just my emotions trying to get out as if you don't let them out they will come out in tears so I read.. So I guess I have that I get to deal with for the rest of my life of being alone.

I wish you all the best on your path with your struggling depression

Ken