poetry

Feeling Nothing

toxic
toxic

The last few days I've been feeling nothing
Haven't felt this feeling called love for a long time

Not sure if I even know what happiness is
People often ask me what makes me happy, I tell them I don't think happiness exists for me
I don't think I live a life where happiness can exist

It has nothing to do with covid or the world right now
I didn't feel nothing during my first/only relationship so I ended it for a few reasons
When I ended it I felt angry towards her because of certain things
But on the inside I felt nothing
Does that make sense to you

I've gotten asked by friends "what makes you happy ?"
I tell them I don't think happiness exists for me
They tell me they think that's sad
They have families and things going on

My life is quiet
Uneventful, I more so get bitched at
I got told by my mom that I think I should go back to work soon and move  into town
With the holidays upon us I don't want to do that, holidays and retail work fucking suck

Someone asked me for a Christmas list, very little is for me
Honestly the only thing for me is gift cards
Everything else is asking for donations
For things like Stomp Out Bullying or Canadian Mental Health Awareness
I feel like this year I don't want anything
Nor do I need anything
At times I don't think I deserve anything

My brother mentioned about not doing Christmas this year, but Mom wants to
Of course Mom wants to, I think she only wants to because her boyfriend will throw a hissy fit like a little girl

I've often laid in bed, looked up at the ceiling in total darkness
Wondered what do I want to do today, tomorrow, this week, this month
I draw blanks, it's mostly a struggle to get out of bed
It's mostly a struggle to get out of bed
It's a struggle to get out of bed
I no longer want to get out of bed
I don't want to get out of bed

Ken